I want to be dead

Some days I hate gender and sexuality.

but really I hate that society has such a narrow view and language reflects that.

But mostly I hate all my feelings around it and all the things that have happened to me that make me question those feelings.

From as young as I can remember there were times when I thought of myself as a boy. Even in the retelling of certain stories, I'm a boy. I don't really have many times when I think of myself as distinctly female until about 10 or 11. Most of the time I didn't really think of myself as any gender but felt external pressure to be a girl. It's why I kept my hair long after a certain point even though I hated it. Because I got tired of being asked whether I was a boy or a girl, like it mattered when all we're doing is playing on the swing or playing tag. I was tempted many times to say I was a boy, but was always terrified of the consequences if they found out I didn't have a penis.

But I don't know if a lot of the resistance to being a girl skewed this. At home little girls were disgusting creatures worthy of punishment in my mother's eyes. It felt way safer to be a boy. This only continued as I got older, boys and men can be quite cruel and threatening. It's a lot safer to be perceived as a straight man walking alone at night. But I'm always terrified of the reaction when people realize...

And then there's being daddy's little girl. I was his pride and joy. He always thought I'd do big things, help save the world. And I watch as it torments him each and every time I'm mistaken for a man in his presence. I don't know how to explain these thoughts to him. I don't know how to explain that it makes me cringe a little every time he uses my full name or he tells me to act like a lady.

This also brings up that when I was first starting to explore the possibility of being trans, how my girlfriend reacted with violent rage. She stated she is a lesbian. She is a woman who dates women. But that relationship was beyond flawed and abusive. But it stopped me from exploring it anymore for 6+  years. And even now I'm terrified of my girlfriend's reaction if she only knew it all. And I'm not willing to risk it until I know, for sure.

and I cringe every time someone calls me he or sir and someone who thinks they know otherwise corrects them. Maybe they're not so wrong. and maybe neither is my friend. I don't know why it hurts so much more to have someone else correct someone else. Like it's somehow offensive that someone would call me he. And I know that they mean well as they tell me they don't see how someone could mistake me for a man. I know in society having your gender mistaken is one of the worst things, especially if you're not trying to actively present against your genitalia. But it does hurt that they can't even see that sometimes I feel like a man just as much if not more than a woman.

why can't there just be gender neutral words? Why does it matter my gender if all I'm doing is ringing up your groceries, or if all you're doing is delivering my mail?

It's crazy how differently people treat you when they think you're one gender or another. And most of all I hate that look people get when they realize I'm genetically female.

And science doesn't help. I realized until science improves I'll always be stuck somewhere in the middle even if I come to realize I am in fact a man.

I am so frustrated with all of this. nothing feels right. being called she or he. ma'am or sir. girlfriend or boyfriend. I feel like some crazy cosmic mix up. like I don't fit in anywhere.

then add to that my sexuality. that gender isn't a limiting factor in my attraction to someone. That I resort to the use of pansexual, wishing so badly I had another word.

I am a pansexual queer.

oh the misinterpretations on that one! no I'm not attracted to children or animals or inanimate objects. I do not want to date and sleep with everyone. When I say pansexual it means I can be attracted to adults of all kinds of genders (beyond simply male and female) it does not mean I do not have standards. and it certainly does not mean I want to date everyone.  but pansexual itself means any possible sexuality, so it really doesn't quite work

and I say queer because while I do have many memories of being a boy, the older I have gotten, it's become pretty fifty-fifty with memories of being a woman. still half the time I feel of no specific gender. and all queer really means is weird, so it's not really accurate either

but almost all the time I feel like I don't belong. While I hate having labels, it is quite lonely to not even have a label that really fits

I am lucky to have one person that knows all this. I just wish I could make better sense of it.

I feel so empty and alone. I want to go and never come back.

... but I've made promises.

I'm just not sure anymore if they're what's really best for us.

I have no idea what's best anymore. I just know it doesn't feel right at the moment. I don't feel right.

I feel like I'm at my wits end. my breaking point. I need to figure out how to get myself together.

it's now or never.

wish me luck

I need to fix this

I need to get off my ass and stop being a victim

I need to stop hurting the people I care about because I can't let go of the past

I need to do something, I can't wait for it to fix itself

I can't expect anyone to do anything for me

I need to remember what it is to live

why I want to live. I need to find a reason that doesn't involve other people

it's now or never

do I let my past win?

or do I get up and make life worth living.

I used to be so strong. time I figure it out. or I really should have just jumped all those years ago.

truth
why is it that everyone claims they are searching for
the truth,
but no one is willing to give it
and no one really wants to hear it.
The truth is too powerful,
it has the power to change things
to change people and lives.
It requires us to pull down our defenses
and put ourselves out into to the world,
It's frightening.
And when we see someone else being honest
we are instantly drawn because we know how hard it is,
but then we recoil in fear at the realization of its
power.
Truth to most people is like perfection,
something people claim to want and seek,
but never really grasp.
But I am tired of hiding.
I will tell you the truth if you are willing to hear,
but know the truth is not easily heard.
It is powerful, even when it is only whispered.
So if you can't handle honesty, I am content talking
to you with a mask, but know it is you who puts it
there, not me.
But if you be brave, not fearless, brave, pull up a
chair and I will breathe the truth I know.
I will open my heart with honesty
if you will come and listen.
I will pause to give you a chance to speak of what you
know, I will listen.
And the truth shall flow around
and leave us changed because of it.
So come, sit down, I dare you.

my hands

"My Hands"
I love it when my hands are rough with work
and are bleeding from thousand of tiny cuts.
When they recoil from the wind
and sting in deafening protest.
When they hang off my knees
in a posture that could only
belong to something that knows true exhaustion.
They are on the verge of giving up,
so they never have to work again,
but they keep going out of habit
more than anything else.
They sit there and pray with silent desperation
for the pain to end.
They're not asking for soon,
but just a sign
that one day it will be over.
I love these weathered hands,
These seemingly rough hands
that are capable of such softness.
These hands that can show
better than words
the condition of my soul