all over the map

I've been all over the map this last year. i still don't  know really where I stand with a lot of people, or even entirely myself. I'm frustrated.... and overwhelmed. and yet still feel like I'm not doing enough.

I'm a wreck with my love life. Feel stuck at the crossroads, unsure of which direction to choose. Feel like no matter which way I go, I'll lose something or someone very important to me. I have always been a fool where love is concerned and I still seem to be. I love deeply and passionately, but have a hard time expressing that. I have a hard time simply being me without stifling myself. and I also seem to not make good boundaries and sacrifice things I really shouldn't. in many ways I think I'm a more functional human being when I'm not in any relationship of a sexual nature, but I also crave it when I don't have it, which slowly gets to me. I kind of want to just shutdown that whole side of me, but I know I won't be as happy as I could be if I did.

I have so many fucking issues around sex. it really fucks with my head. I don't feel I deserve to get what I want. And if by some chance I actually ask and receive it, I freak out and feel guilty..... and dirty. I still do not believe I deserve anything I really want. Add to it all the shame I feel of my past....

I'm a mess

and I have no idea who to really talk about these things with. I feel like no one wants to hear about it. And those whom I've broached the subject with, while trying to maintain a safe space, still insert a level of judgement, even if only through body language, that only adds shame and self-hatred.

the silence on the subject is screaming in my head.

because

It's equally important to feel I can speak what I need to as being heard. I need to hold on to my voice and keep speaking my truth, even if it seems no one is listening. because at least then I'm staying true to myself. giving myself permission to exist and take up space and be whole. that's the point!

I guess

the point is I need to speak my truth even if no one is listening.

what's the point

it's not like anyone even reads this....

3AM strength

Hold me in your quiet arms
Cradle me in your darkness
Hide me from the eyes of the world
And their judgment of this pain
I weep uncontrollably
But silently
Praying for an ending
Beyond the capability of my hands
Can I bear this burden
Or am I too weak to handle
All of this
Can I in this deep of night
Lay down all that weighs on me
Can I in this night dare to need
To cry
To be held in the confidence
Of this late hour
Dare I show the weakness I hide
Or must I continue to fake
This strength
always

On the Edge

The dulled grayish white of the sand
In the barely there moonlight
Ending in utter blackness
 
Threatening nothingness
Roaring in the shadows
Screaming stay away
At the same time taunting one
to come a little nearer
 
To walk to the edge
And look over
To dare to stand at the very
end of existence
And look into the void
 
It’s here you and I meet
As the world sleeps
And hides
Here in the almost complete darkness
 
On the brink
 
Where the known ends
And the abyss begins
All too aware of how from the moment of birth
We are hurtling toward this cliff
This death
This ceasing to be
 
And here we play on the threshold
Half daring the other to jump
Half holding the other back
 
On the razors edge
 
You and I
Dance
You and I dare
to
 
be
 
Given only this moment
Of eternity
Too aware
It’s all about to be
lost

a month to live

I sit here and wonder how we found ourselves here
How did two intelligent, but wounded people
With incredibly elaborate defense mechanisms
 Convince each other
To let the other in
a little more than anyone before
As I hold you the world just feels right
I feel I can simply exist
peacefully
I never really thought that possible
And yet there’s this passion and energy
That courses through us
I feel alive and awake
There is perfection in the complex simplicity
Of these moments
We dare to smuggle away
But there’s a time limit here
A ticking clock
That’s becoming a little harder to ignore
Each day spent
Is a day lost from what could be
Maybe that’s it
Maybe this thing between us
Is what happens
When two dark, cynical romantics
Who live on tales of tragic star crossed lovers
Who hold onto the beauty in the darkness and pain
Who firmly fear settling for safety and the ordinary
Are given but a month to really live

I feel broken
trapped
 by memories
of things
that should never have been.
How do I explain
my inability
to be free?
how do I explain
when I still have
trouble accepting
the reality
of what has been?
how do I explain
being shaken
and battered
at the age of 5
for an act of self-love?
how do I explain
vague memories
the lack of memories of 6 or 7
that first landed me
in therapy
that landed me in doctors' offices
going through
examinations that felt like rape
that to this day make me afraid
to trust?
how do I explain
being threatened with rape
if I spoke out
against harassment at 12
trapped by the belief
that I was too ugly to be believed?
The abuse I experienced at the hands
Of the first person I dared to love
How do I explain any of the dozens
of reasons that I freeze
when all I want
all I want
is to go further
with you

screaming

I know you see my physical body

standing next to you
but I'm really a thousand miles away

 in my head
screaming to the point of exhaustion
screaming with all my being
and all of my soul
...screaming

screaming

deafeningly silently
if only you dare meet my eyes
and hear

Picasso's Blue Nude

Picasso's Blue Nude

How many times

Have I pulled knees to chest
To fight out the pain
And hold myself together
How many times
Have I been the only one
To give myself the hug
I so desperately needed
 
And yet in silent witness
I watch your bare back
Sorrow filled curves
Fade into the darkness
Of this night
How simply
How nakedly
Honestly
You portray
My own feelings
For the world to see

I am my own other

There’s all this talk of us

And them
Those in the circle
And those deemed out
On the other side
The others
It seems most think
We are in direct competition
With these others
Trying to prove ourselves better
More worthy
Superior
Trying to prove that the group we belong to
Is the one we want to be part of
For we’d be stupid
To be part of the other
And though I am pulled into
The inner circles of many teams
I still feel to be on the outside
Of us
Because I don’t think
Those not here
Are a them
The others I beat down
Try to build myself up
By proving myself more worthy
Better
Superior to
Is me
 Try to build myself up
while destroying myself
The only person on the planet
Whose value I doubt
Whose worth I question
Who I want to prove to be better than
Is me
I’m my own other
Which makes it impossible to win
Although
Perhaps
The wise thing
Would be to stop playing this crazy game

people come and go

sometimes my heart feels the ache of all of your absences.

It's crazy how people come in and out of our lives. some are but a flash, others seeming constants til one day we realize they faded away. Some are still there but in a shadow of the capacity they once were. others come and leave in a whirlwind.

The truth of the matter is I don't believe in forever, nor do I dare to count on anyone always being there (even myself). I open my heart to new people, knowing someday there will be pain (because I'm too aware to fool myself), but knowing if I ran from the pain I'd miss out on life and that'd be the biggest tragedy.

I don't want to stop feeling deeply, nor do I want to spend my life closed off out of fear of the pain that will come anyway and miss all the good in the process.

 I feel all of you who have at any point really mattered to me,  sometimes the heartache feels too great, but I know all of you have helped shape me and I know I carry all of you in my soul.

Life's too big an adventure to miss the future because were always wishing for the past.

you're all with me in a way and I'm grateful for whatever time we had...

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.” Henry David Thoreau

The rain is tapping against the window
All at once begging my to come out and play
And driving me further into
the depths of warm covers
And a comfortable bed
I’m restless
I am exhausted
I find myself hurting
Drowning
Echoing
In emptiness
My body, my heart
Ask where you are
Not with a desire for knowledge
But with an aching
A need for you to be here with me
Whether playing in the rain
Or drawing ever closer to each other’s warmth
My mind of course knows you’re working
Or doing some other sensible, much needed thing
But that doesn’t change
Nor cure this ever-longing agony
Even together
You seem out of reach
Distant
Disconnected
And I am trapped here in emotional indecision
Restless
Exhausted
And aching
for you

Afraid to Meet your Gaze

I’m afraid to meet your gaze
To give you a chance
To glimpse the craziness in my head
The fluttering of my heart
The churnings in my soul
There’s so much
Too much
Inside
That I’m trying to keep hidden
From the eyes of the world
Afraid for their reaction
Their judgment
Their ousting me
Deeming me of unworthy
I feel too different
To be allowed
Wrong
So I pretend
To be anything but me
And don’t quite meet your eyes
Because I’d be too vulnerable
Too seen
So trembling I turn away
'cause you already know too much
And I fear
Already see me
For me

pain filled eyes

I look at your scars
And then at your kind face
With its pain-filled eyes
And I know
We both see
Each other’s damaged souls
No words need to pass our lips
That look says it all
We are the walking-wounded
We can hide our pain from everyone
Behind our bright smiles
But we few see
That it never reaches our eyes
Oh our pain-filled eyes
That’s how we spot each other a mile away
I pause a moment in acknowledgement
And watch the glimmer of recognition
Come across your face
For that moment we are not alone
And then in the next it’s gone
As we part
Wordlessly
Not daring to truly let another in
No matter how much common ground
Lay between us
Seen in those pain-filled eyes

I was once free

I was once free
Once able to breathe
Each breath with quiet joy
Grateful to be alive
The world was endless possibility
Life had ample opportunity
And I could do anything
And I not only believed this
But knew it on a core level
But slowly I was chained down
Link by link
Shackle by heavy shackle
I let myself be captured
Beaten
Abused
Tortured
Into believing this
Hell
Is all I deserve
All I’ll ever have
To the point where
It is I adding most of the chains
These days
Afraid to do anything else
Afraid to be free
         again

needing

I don’t know how to need
Don’t know how to be ok
With needing
Particularly this much
Can it be safe
To rely on another
Can it be ok
To be this vulnerable
Can I be worth
Being taken care of
Worth the time
Worth the effort
The inconvenience
Can I trust
That this willingness
 to take care of me
that it being ok
for me to need
can be done out of genuine caring
that I have inherent worth
that I won’t be punished
that not everyone is just waiting
for an opening to hurt me.

I am nothing more than a fool
love is that all consuming yearning
which I neither understand
nor know how to recognize
I search and search and search for it
looking for it above all other things
Yet all I find is sex, control, addiction and pain
the kind of love that I seek
if I were honest with myself
is that which I should find within
acceptance, esteem, compassion and kindness
if I could give myself these things
I'd have a chance
   a chance
of real, intimate, life affirming love
and, perhaps, the wisdom to recognize it

stuck on repeat

When a song gets stuck in my head
It only does so til I’ve heard the whole song
In its entirety
Like the repetition of the part
Over and over again
Is my mind’s way of solving a mystery
How all the pieces fit together
To form a whole
And it doesn’t give up
Until it succeeds
In seeing the big picture
 
I think in some ways it does that with other things too
Words said to me that don’t quite make sense
Emotionally
Actions that leave me stunned
Traumas.
I repeat them over and over
In my mind
Trying to make sense
Of things that don’t

Trying to understand

How this all came to be
How I came to be
My mind is trying to make logical sense
Of a disconnect
Constantly
unconsciously

when there is no CD I can play

no poem to be read
no picture to be seen
nothing to be completed
that’s outside my head
it just plays over and over
in a kind of torment
trying so desperately
to understand

I’m trying to understand

Something
That doesn’t make sense
No matter how much I want it to
It just is
Just was

And for the most part

Wasn’t my fault
No matter how much
I wish I had had that kind of control
It wasn’t my fault
And it wasn’t me
That didn’t make sense

But I’m the only one

Who seems to be
Stuck on repeat

defenses

Defenses
I built a fortress
made of layer after layer
of solid brick
in an attempt
to protect myself
from the world.

I hid in the center,
feeling safe within
my lonely castle,
comforted with
the knowledge
that there was no way
anyone could see
the embarrassing truth
that is my being.

But one day the walls began
to crumble around me,
I franticly tried save them,
to rebuild,
but the bricks turned to dust
in my trembling hands
and blew away in the wind.
I could do nothing,
nothing,
but stand there
in my naked truth
with my hands
over my face,
trying desperately
to hide myself
from the harsh eyes
of the world,
but it is no use,
you have already seen me.

not ready

Not Ready
Is it crazy that I‟m not ready
For my scars to fully fade
Not ready to lose that identity
And it‟s voice of pain
I still long for its sweet searing
The focus of a sharp blade
The release in watching blood flowing freely
I‟m not ready to say I‟m ok I don‟t need
This brutal voice anymore
Not ready to forget
Not ready to forgive
Even myself
Especially myself
But they still fade
And I still hesitate to add more
And life goes on

some days I just want to scream. what do I do with all of this? all this pain and fear and anger? with all these memories and scars... and wounds? I didn't deserve even half of it...

I remember not distant enough screams
smashing glass
deafening chaos
followed by
silence that shattered

I remember hiding
trying to disappear
pretending I never existed

can’t tell you how often
I wished I had the power
to uncreate myself

I remember holding in my arms
a shaking child
his tears soaking my shirt
as I rocked and hummed
trying so hard
to hold it in
and not fall apart

I remember the pain
the loneliness
the inability to speak
or do anything about it
the feeling of being a helpless child
needing to act like a together adult

and now I sit here tearing up
blood stained and urine soiled carpet
with the smell of horror in my nostrils
patching holes punched through dulled walls in rage
scraping pealing paint
adding a layer of fresh color
with waves of memories crashing over me
with a sickness in my stomach
as an adult trying to make this hellhole
into someone else’s dream home
God I hate being here

I wonder if they’ll be able to sense
the pain that haunts this house
beneath the freshly painted walls
and newly carpeted floors
the rooms cry and scream
I cry

I cry for all the secrets I’ve kept
and continue to keep
for all the pain I never stopped
or even tried to
for what happened in silence
in the deep of night
that still goes unknown
to all but three

I really hate being here
revisiting hell
over and over again
but finally this is the last time
one more coat of paint
to this tiny room
and I can leave it behind forever
as only a memory
only a memory

(if it could ever be only that)

Why does tomorrow feel

beyond that of possibility

And today as though it

is lost to a fluid surreality

and all that my life is

is a burden of a past

carved so vividly

bloodily

permanently

into my being

that though I try to escape

I am always brought back

I am chained to moments in time

Harsh and unforgettable

Unforgiveable moments

Replayed over and over

And everything else is but background noise

Branded, scarred, mutilated for all eternity

And all the present does is

Pour salt on these old, but still bleeding wounds

I long to fly

But have long ago broken my own wings

what's the point in trying if it's never going to get better?

some days it all too much. It hurts so damn much to care and honestly love people some times. I don't wish to not care, I don't wish to not let people in. (not really) but with love we open ourselves to pain. and it can be hard.

I wish everyone could understand the quiet pain I go through when I can't speak all I know for the sake of confidences, but want so much to ease pain. I don't know what to do in these moments when I love two people who are hurting each other, when it doesn't seem to be enough to be loyal to both and neither.

To love people and have them push you away because they can't understand how you can love both of them and not choose between them

I just love, and listen, and remain

and it never really seems to be enough, but I'm more than aware that it's all I really can do

I don't know how to say things when I need to most.
and I don't know how to tell you of this past I wish with every bit of my soul wasn't there.
I know you want to know, but I don't know how to say it.

some days I think the thing I'm best at is keeping my silence.

although my poems often speak volumes.....

The Love I Know

The Love I Know

He pulls me close
and promises to protect
         me
from the world.

He strokes my hair
and tells me that he
loves
      me.

But then in an
       instant
this violent temper takes over
and the man
         I love
disappears behind
an angry monster.

where does he go?

He beats me down
time after time
without a single
            
           hesitation

only an afterthought.

Then he comes to me
with his lip service
      apologies
and begs me to come
back.

 And somehow I
always
limp back
into his open arms,
stupidly,
      maybe

but I always come
back.

Because I like it
when he pulls me
close 
and promises to
protect
        me
 from the world.
When he strokes my hair
and tells me that he

 loves
       me.

implosion

I don't know what to do sometimes when I get angry. I'm afraid of being angry. it feels unsafe. I'm always stuck in the debate as to whether I swallow the anger and pain and just not say anything, or say something and risk hurting the other's feelings. I feel I'm not really allowed to be angry. I don't get angry that often but once angry it lingers. I feel tainted by it. Then I turn the anger inward and begin to destroy myself for having let anything bother me and for not always saying anything either. I implode because I'm so afraid of exploding. I hate this.

spider web

Spider Web

Oh spider web

Oh gossamer spider web

Golden in the sunlight

Swaying slightly

Back and forth

Seen and unseen

Oh spider web

Shining spider web

I watch your fractal circles

spreading outward

there in the wind

the rain

rebuilt time after time

hope for the fruits of effort

oh spider web

oh spider web

you are perseverance

you are hope

where do you go when there's nowhere to turn

If I had a super power I'd make it healing, not just physical wounds, but more so emotional and spiritual ones too.

If only life could work like that even sometimes.

I am so torn up inside. Why does love not ever seem to be enough? Why does love too seem to cause such pain? Why is it that at times there is absolutely nothing you can do to help someone you care about, but simply be there? Why must there be such a sense of helplessness? Why is there nothing I can do or say that will make this better, even though I know in the end everyone will be ok, but I can't do anything right now in this moment, when I want nothing more than something that I can do? Why is all I can do simply, painfully, sit there with you in the uncertainty of it all, in the pain of it all? I know my words aren't enough. I know there's nothing really to be done. I know I can't make this go away. all I can do is be there. and it just doesn't feel like enough, but it's all I have.

oh the helplessness even though I maintain hope. It's humbling. and very human. and. so. damn. painful.

I was thinking earlier, before I knew of any of this impending sadness, that at times it feels as if all the pain over all the years has carved an-ever-deepening cavern in my soul, leaving ever-more room for me to fill with either joy or sorrow. perhaps optimally a bit of both. the past has made it possible for me to love more deeply, but also be more jaded. I need to be careful to allow more joy and let go of the pain. to not use it as an excuse to close up and cut off the world, to echo in the emptiness of it all. but to know that even through the worst of hell that I've known, I've somehow managed to come out the other side. each time I do, I have a bit more faith that I can make it through the next time. And considering we humans often live in self-fulfilling prophecies, believing you can or can't is a better indication of whether you will or won't than almost anything else. so I need to hold onto hope even in the darkest of nights. I wish I could give even a little of my belief, my knowledge, that you will make it through, no matter how bleak it may seem tonight.

and even when nothing else seemed to get through, I'd chant "this too shall pass. this too shall pass"

"When going through hell, keep going" - Winston Churchill

keep going.

this too shall pass

My Humanity

Some days I curse

At the top of my lungs

My humanity

Its imperfection

Its vulnerability

Its futility

Some days I curse

My inability

To fix

Everything

My inability

To control

Anything

Some days I curse

My own two hands

How small

Feeble

Weak

They are

But in the end I realize

That in my weakness

Comes my greatest opportunity

For courage

Strength

Love

To love not despite flaws

But including them

To see another’s humanity

Is my greatest honor

And to love my own

Is my life’s purpose

On the Outside/ Looking in

On the Outside (Looking In)

just about everywhere I go
I feel like an outsider
like I don’t really belong
I pour my heart and soul
into places, organizations,
groups of people
I respect and love
so much that it literally
hurts
but still I always feel
like I’m on the outside
looking in
a part, but apart
you see often I feel so worthless
so repulsive and wrong
that I hide and don’t open up
been told for so long
that my place was below
oh so low
I shackled myself to the ground
feeling like that’s where I’m supposed to be
I feel as if I am only tolerated
never wanted
and because of it
I remain separated,
on the edge,
overlooked
hoping I’m not completely pushed away
oh if I could only show
the vibrant being
beneath the dull shell
if only I could share
the warmth and wit
the intelligence and strength
that I contain
if only I could step into the inner circle
and be the real me
but I’ve lost the key
and because of it
will remain shackled
on the outside
looking in

beautiful

It’s evident in the way I walk

The way I carry myself

The way I interact with people

I am uncomfortable

In my own skin

It is a mere shell

A disgusting attachment

To my soul

I rarely inhabit it

Rarely look at it

Rarely take care of it

I keep people away

Out of fear

Out of distaste for who I think I am

All the while unaware

That my beauty shines through

Despite my best efforts

All the while unaware

That I am beautiful

Dancing

My heart drowns out

The throbbing music

I can feel eyes staring

Wondering what the hell I’m thinking

For even stepping out

On the dance floor

What am I thinking

I’m just making a fool of myself

And just as I’m about to turn around

Friends grab my hands

And pull me further in

They begin to move

In rhythm with the beat

The strobe lights flash

Giving everyone a stuttered appearance

And as I watch

I slowly begin to nod my head

And move my hips

Mimicking those around me

And soon everyone else

Fades into the background

As the music thumps

Through my body

My heart

My soul

And I’m free

I am free

I really miss this feeling, this past summer was magic, I felt alive and free. I hope I can recapture it again. But right now I'm too self-conscious.... (secret, I really do love dancing, even though I'm not good at it)

I was once free

I was once free

Once able to breathe

Each breath with quiet joy

Grateful to be alive

The world was endless possibility

Life had ample opportunity

And I could do anything

And I not only believed this

But knew it on a core level

But slowly I was chained down

Link by link

Shackle by heavy shackle

I let myself be captured

Beaten

Abused

Tortured

Into believing this

Hell

Is all I deserve

All I’ll ever have

To the point where

It is I adding most of the chains

These days

Afraid to do anything else

Afraid to be free

again

if only

I curl into the nook of the couch

Wrapped tightly in a blanket

Trying so hard

To fight out the pain

The loneliness

Trying to give myself

That feeling of being held

Hoping that if I could give myself that

I wouldn’t need as much

As I do

If only I could make myself

Feel loved

Then I could have the courage

To wait

And truly love

And be loved

If only all this was

Working

If only a blanket could erase

The coldness in my heart

If only

If only

inside

Inside

Inside there is an intense

Screaming

Pounding

Scratching

Clawing

Screeching

Ripping

Shredding

Exploding

I can’t take much more

Of this squirming agony

I want to tear

Myself apart

With my bloody fingertips

Piece by piece

Bit by bit

Anything to stop

The raging

The rampaging

The pain

Oh so deafening

inside

I watch as she gets ready

And can almost hear

Her racing heart

And too-full head

Trying

Futilely as she believes

To make herself attractive

Never realizing she already is

Worried she’ll never find

the one

worried that no one will notice her

will want her

completely unaware of her own awesomeness

unaware of how lucky someone would be

to have her

I wait as she readies herself

So ready to remind her

Of how amazing she really is

In hopes that one day

She not only believes me

But knows it for herself

(I think you’re freaking great!!)

life unlived

She has the brains

And the ability

But she worries

It’ll never be better than this

That she should settle for what she has

Rather than risk for what she wants

She believes she is hopeless

Undeserving

Unable

To have more in life

So she stays in ‘her place’

And slowly begins to die

In a life unlived

Grandma

I don't know why I find myself thinking of you so much lately, but I do. I feel I too often pass up oppertunities to let people know how much I love them. and I do really love so many, and do not say it nearly enough. There are too many people in my life that I won't let close to me, not believing anyone could really love me if they knew who I really am. I miss too many chances to really know people; convinced I am too undeserving for their love. I miss you. and wish I had let you in.

Loving House

In a house

brimming with life

there in the back bedroom

is a loved one dying

we still laugh

still live, but a little quieter now

from the room

hushed voices are heard in the background

bright music is playing

the large window filled with sunlight

and in the comfy chair

sits the proud matriarch

there is a steady stream of visitors

and family filling the pauses

we are all together

taking care of the one

who has taken care

of us all

there is life here

in the house of the dying

and a love that will always be

------

Time

Time ticks by

slowly

yet too quickly

we don’t notice

as it slips away

but when we turn around

years have passed

this is how it’s been

with you

snapshots of time

strung together

to form a relationship

I remember…

Christmas cookies

being decorated

in red and green

The splish splash

the smell of chlorine

summers spent in fun

stretching of dough

spicing the meat

as we learn

how to make flat tires

running around

being superheroes

in freshly made yellow capes

bumpy, dirt road

watching from the back of the RV

on the way to the cottage

adventures in Florida

shuttle launches that never took off

and Disney world

little fingers

on keys of black and white

trying to teach piano

to would-be trombone players

learning how

to freshly press slacks

apparently I never got

the iron hot enough

The soft mechanical hum

as the needle moves up and down

trying to get the seam straight

knit pearl, knit pearl

patiently trying to teach

me how to make a hat

beautiful music

from an organ

that’s my grandma up there!

fluffy, mop of a dog

oh so happy

to see you

trips to town, the store

and church

always feeling so important

to be with you

Halloween

decorations and candy

out of a trunk?

the snapping of a deck of cards

as another hand is shuffled

and dealt

hours of fun

clicking and flipping of dominoes

even with the handicap

you always won

I remember

kindness

and unconditional love

you offered to always be there

if I needed to talk

I wish I had taken you up on that

I wish I had more snapshots

I wish I had more time

----

I stand by the board

Waiting

Patiently

Ok not so patiently

For the iron to heat up

I wait this time

Because in the last few months

Of my grandma’s life

She took the time

To teach me what she knew

She waited until I, her only granddaughter

Her only tomboy granddaughter

Wanted to learn to sew

To knit

To hem

To cook

To iron

And she was patient

Even as she ran out of time

I wish I remember more

But one of the few things

I do remember

Is you have to get the iron hot enough

And so I wait

And think of my grandma

And hope that one day I’ll pass it on

So she may live forever.

You were such a good person, who touched so many lives for the better, my only hope is when I come to die, I've helped even half as many people. Love you always