I sit here at this computer
in this familiar chair
listening to the airconditioner
and the otherwise echoing silence
in this state of being alone
and I can't help wondering how I got to this place
where my heart feels both light
and too too heavy
I'm longing for the comfort and warmth
of another next to me
the safety and love that seem distant at the moment
all the memories of loves lost haunt me
on days like this one
I remember all the little things of each of you
that would make me unable to resist kissing you
I remember the times we laughed
until our ribs hurt and our minds were flooded
with oh so happy chemicals
but most of all I remember the quiet moments
of you next to me
simply existing with one another
the quiet moments when we let down our armor
and shared a vulnerability and intimacy
that most never knew of us
I think that's what I miss the most
I wonder if any of you still think about me from time to time
if I really mattered to you, the way you mattered to me
I must hold on to the reasons we're not together anymore
because there are reasons I should never even think about going back.

it's still hard on days like today