I've been all over the map this last year. i still don't know really where I stand with a lot of people, or even entirely myself. I'm frustrated.... and overwhelmed. and yet still feel like I'm not doing enough.
I'm a wreck with my love life. Feel stuck at the crossroads, unsure of which direction to choose. Feel like no matter which way I go, I'll lose something or someone very important to me. I have always been a fool where love is concerned and I still seem to be. I love deeply and passionately, but have a hard time expressing that. I have a hard time simply being me without stifling myself. and I also seem to not make good boundaries and sacrifice things I really shouldn't. in many ways I think I'm a more functional human being when I'm not in any relationship of a sexual nature, but I also crave it when I don't have it, which slowly gets to me. I kind of want to just shutdown that whole side of me, but I know I won't be as happy as I could be if I did.
I have so many fucking issues around sex. it really fucks with my head. I don't feel I deserve to get what I want. And if by some chance I actually ask and receive it, I freak out and feel guilty..... and dirty. I still do not believe I deserve anything I really want. Add to it all the shame I feel of my past....
I'm a mess
and I have no idea who to really talk about these things with. I feel like no one wants to hear about it. And those whom I've broached the subject with, while trying to maintain a safe space, still insert a level of judgement, even if only through body language, that only adds shame and self-hatred.
the silence on the subject is screaming in my head.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
because
It's equally important to feel I can speak what I need to as being heard. I need to hold on to my voice and keep speaking my truth, even if it seems no one is listening. because at least then I'm staying true to myself. giving myself permission to exist and take up space and be whole. that's the point!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
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