help

Why is it that when I really need help I cannot ask for it? I let people in only so far. I'm completely willing to be there for someone when they need me, but cannot or will not let others be there for me when I'm really hurting. I let people help me with problems that I deep down believe I can handle on my own, but the ones that truly terrify me are not mentioned. Life would be so much easier if I could just trust that some people will be there for me no matter what. That not everyone will use a sign of weakness against me when it suits them. I'm in a lot of pain. Both physically and emotionally. The physical is starting to drive me crazy and the meds are not helping. I believe this pain is only adding to my difficulty coping emotionally with life at the moment. I find myself calculating when cars would not be able to stop if I were to jump in front of them. Find myself going over in my head the hangman's noose. I find myself obsessing the way I used to when I was younger. I don't want to admit it, for all that admitting it would lead to. I don't think I'd act on it, but none the less it's there.

I'm afraid what the doctor's appointment tomorrow will bring. I know something's really wrong, but feel unable to ask for the help and support that could make all this much more bearable. I feel shame in needing. and pain in my silence.