I am beginning to let my friends in, trying anyway. They are amazing people who I love dearly. They tolerate my bullshit and see the essence of me even when I try to keep them at arms length.
It's funny, someone asked me what I needed and all I could think of was being held. I'm not sure I need it for survival, but it would make life feel a million times better sometimes. I think in reality, what I really need is to feel like I'm worth fighting for, that my life, my happiness is worth struggling through all the other stuff. And strangely nothing communicates my being allowed to need, to be vulnerable, my worth like being held. It's one of the few times I feel worthy of being human and ok with all the imperfection that means.
I know I have to give myself the love I need if I am ever to believe others really love me too. I know I have to be the one to tell myself everything will be ok if I am to ever really believe it. I just don't really know where the line between what I'm supposed to do myself and receive help from others. The long I go along, the more I'm convinced that if it came down to it, I could probably handle most everything by myself if I had to, but I know that we as humans need one another. I could probably handle it alone, but should I?
No comments:
Post a Comment