to this day I still wake in the night to the feeling of
spider webs
across my face
shaking
terrified
that I'm still in that darkness
in which I'm still so afraid
that darkness I was forced
to bear
the coldness of the concrete
and the fear
to this day
I still wake in that nightmare
of so long ago
that nightmare that was real

how are you so sure I didn't deserve it?
that these in someways
still bleeding wounds
weren't deserved?

the threat of going back
was enough to keep me bent to a will
that was sick and twisted
I endured years of pain
years of believing
this is what real love is...

years of believing everything was my fault
is my fault
years of self-abuse
because I don't deserve better
and no one else seemed to treat me
the way I know I deserve.

that darkness
left me broken
left me feeling as if I had no control
and never would
that darkness
and the pain and power it represents
became an invisible shackle
so binding that I became a slave
to the monster in my mind
long after she had gone

but now that I see it
I have a choice
keep going

or free myself