we are the product of our lessons learned, but the lessons learned are not always correct.

we are all very scarred beings, injured time after time, fragile, but resilient. the wounds heal over if we let them and though are not of untouched 'perfection' they do have a beauty all their own. There is a depth, a character, an honesty to them that can be magnificent if there is matching growth.

we can learn and grow from the things that happen in our lives, will ourselves into becoming better beings. (although this definition changes, I believe it to mean able to deal, to love even when not easy) or we can shrivel and close up and become more afraid and bitter and/or live to make the same mistake over and over. It's funny how the same wound can do either to us.

I long to not be afraid, to love deeply but not have to inflict unnecessary pain on myself or others, to change the things I can and accept what I can't and learn the difference

dialetic

It's funny to live in the moment, to know there is nothing beyond it, but also be aware that it will not last and everything is beyond it. everything is nothing and nothing is everything.... ah the dialetic of life.

don't forget

We do a disservice to ourselves to forget. We need to remember it all as it was and not demonize or romantize it. the good is not lost when bad occurs. we should not forget the good times just because of the pain of loss. It is very human to dwell in one or other, to let one color our whole world, but it doesn't have to be that way. I shouldn't forget how to laugh when I learn to cry or vise versa. I shouldn't push away things that bring me joy because they remind me of someone that brought me pain.We can laugh and cry at the same time. Feel love and loss, and neither negate the other. in reality they are more the same than there true opposite of apathy. I want to live life as much as I can. To know that there will be pain and joy and not run from either. Both will come and both will go. I will be changed by both, and I can grow if I try. Don't be afraid of caring. don't stop yourself from joy because it might bring sorrow and don't stop yourself from pain because it may just lead to happiness. I'm trying to remember what was, the things I loved, things that hurt, the lesson I gained from each; and not lose myself in one or the other.

life is good

strangely enough life is good. somehow there is a lot of love and beauty and hope in this crazy mess of a life that never seems to go as planned. In some way it's better that it doesn't. It opens us up and deepens our hearts and souls in ways we can't imagine before everything spirals out of control. If it all worked perfectly as we plan we'd never really have a reason to grow and would never reach our potentials. In the struggle, in the mess, in the learning how to deal we find and shape ourselves. I'm so grateful to be who I am now. It was a lot of hell to get to this point, but there was a lot of good. and it's the mixture of all of this that has made me what I am. Yes part of me wishes it had been easier and less painful, but without it I would not be me. I love life in all its craziness......

Genuine tragedies in the world are not conflicts between right and wrong.  They are conflicts between two rights.  ~Georg Hegel

giving up

I've come really really close to giving up this week. Probably closer than I've ever been. I've spent the last three days obsessing and planning. But some how today I found a reason to live. I found hope. ok so life's not as I planned it. But as long as I am still living there is a possibility for something better. If I can bring even a little goodness and love into this world it's worth the pain.

a pooh without a piglet

I feel like a pooh without a piglet... and it is completely heartbreaking. I am devistated. I do not know the words to adaquately describe the deepth of this sorrow.

But it's too late I've been forever changed by you. I think I am a better person because I was lucky enough to meet you. I just hope that it wasn't all pain on your end. I care about you deeply and nothing will ever change that. I just wish it didn't have to be like this. I wish I could be that person you need...

I don't believe anything lasts forever. But I now believe that even if the people in my life come and go, there will always be people who love me in my life, if I let them. I now believe I can handle whatever comes. (you really changed me in that way) So while I am devistated, I will keep going. I have to.

and so maybe this pooh doesn't have a piglet, but perhaps there's a christopher robin, or an owl, or a rabbit, or a tigger or even maybe another pooh... but I have to stay open to the possibility and not run away and hide like I so desperately want to. Life is full of pain, but if you let it there's always room for a little joy too.

I will miss you