stuck on repeat

When a song gets stuck in my head
It only does so til I’ve heard the whole song
In its entirety
Like the repetition of the part
Over and over again
Is my mind’s way of solving a mystery
How all the pieces fit together
To form a whole
And it doesn’t give up
Until it succeeds
In seeing the big picture
 
I think in some ways it does that with other things too
Words said to me that don’t quite make sense
Emotionally
Actions that leave me stunned
Traumas.
I repeat them over and over
In my mind
Trying to make sense
Of things that don’t

Trying to understand

How this all came to be
How I came to be
My mind is trying to make logical sense
Of a disconnect
Constantly
unconsciously

when there is no CD I can play

no poem to be read
no picture to be seen
nothing to be completed
that’s outside my head
it just plays over and over
in a kind of torment
trying so desperately
to understand

I’m trying to understand

Something
That doesn’t make sense
No matter how much I want it to
It just is
Just was

And for the most part

Wasn’t my fault
No matter how much
I wish I had had that kind of control
It wasn’t my fault
And it wasn’t me
That didn’t make sense

But I’m the only one

Who seems to be
Stuck on repeat