Iris

So as many of you know the song Iris by the goo goo dolls has always spoken to me on a very core level.  It’s one of very few songs that have ever made me cry and one of very few that the lyrics often come to mind. (I’ve included the lyrics at the end for anyone who is unfamiliar or wants a refresher)

For as long as I can remember I have felt misunderstood and unseen by most of the world. I used to try and fit in more, but I don’t think I really can no matter how much I try, and quite honestly have grown to enjoy my differentness, not because I’m different, but because in enjoying being me I happen to enjoy being different. So now I seek to find the few I think will be able to see and understand me as I am without asking that I change.  And so I want to be unnoticed by the world who I don’t think understand because it is only pain that they seem to bring. And with everything always seeming to be falling apart, I just want to know that at least someone really got who I am and loved me before I die.  

I often run into my differences from what the general population seems to think or feel is the norm. Now a days I rarely get attacked in any way for being different, but it does at times make me wonder how much of the way I think and feel do people often get.  I know there have to be people out there that share some of my thoughts and feelings, I know I’m not that original, but many days I can’t help but feel my differentness and the loneliness that sometimes follows. It’s rarely a blow when someone who doesn’t really know me, gets me all wrong or can’t understand the way I feel or think, but it’s hard when someone you think gets you makes you realized they don’t. I now really accept that some people love me; I’m positive that they do. My only remaining worry is that many of them do not really know or understand me, for all that I give people the benefit of the doubt in general, I am beginning to suspect that this is one area I’m not giving some enough credit.  For years I’ve been somewhat secretive, rarely showing all of myself, for fear of the rejection and pain that I believed would follow. Believing I’d be less likely to be rejected and that if I were to be rejected it’d hurt less because they were rejecting the image I put out, not the real me. But I now suspect that while I don’t always share the details of events, I’m pretty forth coming with many of my emotions and thoughts, and therefore my soul is pretty evident to anyone looking or listening. There are people that know me as much as, if not more, than I really let them. I think there are some who see my soul, even if they don’t know everything. And quite honestly it’s impossible to know all of someone and it is forever changing. My biggest fault in this is I don’t always take the time to try and explain my side, mostly because I’ve already decided it’s not worth it, having already decided that no matter how much I try, most won’t get me, and that trying to explain will probably just lead to conflict. To not even try is a disservice to me and those close to me. If I really want someone to know me I have to at least try to share with them at least some of what’s going on in my soul, it’s unfair not to.

This may seem a little unrelated, and I’m not sure of a great transition, but here it is anyway.

So I’ve been struggling with ideas of success and growth and some level change. Mainly how much I feel I have succeeded, grown and change, despite it seeming to being unseen or unappreciated by some, most notably my family and a few friends.

I think one of the hardest things is to see how much a person has changed, particularly when you think you really know them and it’s been gradual, even when the net change is quite dramatic.  I think some of this is the tendency we have as humans to somewhat fight accepting that people change.

I know some do not think people do, or least not really. Maybe there is some truth to that, maybe we can’t just be a different person entirely. But my entire hope for staying alive is that it’s possible to some extent. I need to believe that I can grow and change or there is no point in trying; and if I can, others can. Although this does lead me into trouble sometimes believing so readily that someone can change, I sometimes assume that someone has in a way I hoped, and therefore often leave myself vulnerable to certain people who have hurt me time and time again. I’m not sure I’d change my willingness to believe someone can change, no matter the pain that may follow because I’d rather the pain of finding out I was wrong, than to close my heart to the possibility. I do however now try to work on my ability to cope with the pain, and am trying to get to a point where I accept that just because someone can change doesn’t mean they will. All I can do is change how I react. So I’m trying to move to the place where I am openly willing to accept that someone can change, but not expect or assume that they will (at least not in the way I sometimes hope).

But I really do feel that when we change, the people that have the hardest time accepting it are those closest to us. In part because they think they have us figured out and are therefore paying a little less attention. Also because they at least know how to handle the person we were and are not so sure of what this new person means. And we must not forget the power of denial. It’s much easier to accept that a new person likes the color pink, mainly because we have no information telling us otherwise; but  to accept that an old friend who used to, for years, outwardly despise pink suddenly proclaim their love for it is nearly always quite a bit more difficult because we have past info to the contrary and it means having to change an already held belief. When we have no previous info, it’s just a matter of learning something new, but when something changes, there is often a bunch of questions that follow on top of having to learn the new thing. What caused this change? How long and accurate is this new thought/belief? What does this mean to how I perceive this person and therefore our relationship?  And so on. I think there is also the level of comfort. There is comfort in knowing something and unease when this thing you thought you knew is no longer accurate. It can create a sense of chaos, of uncertainty. If the foundation on which you built something can change or shift, then everything built on it is at risk of collapse; that’s where I think the fear really lies. The less built on something the less at risk, and then the more easily accepted it is.

I’ve been struggling with how little I feel some are seeing my recent growth and changes, but I realize I must be patient. Although it seems like some of it has happened overnight, most of these changes have been gradual and have taken a lot of time and effort to occur, most of which has been internal. So I should not hold it against anyone that may take a little bit of time to see or accept. Also I shouldn’t need others to see the changes in order for me to know they are real or to continue with them. I’m changing and growing for myself and I should not let others, or their inability or unwillingness to see me, stop me from becoming the best I think I can be. So I will keep being me, as that ever evolves, trying to be open and willing to share and let people in, and let the people who can and want to see me , see me when they’re able.

So, on some level, I already have what I hope for :)

(There is another part to this whole thing that I do want to explore, and will in the next post, but this seems to have reached a natural end)

(p.s. it amuses me a little that my favorite song and flower both are named iris)

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am