to this day I still wake in the night to the feeling of
spider webs
across my face
shaking
terrified
that I'm still in that darkness
in which I'm still so afraid
that darkness I was forced
to bear
the coldness of the concrete
and the fear
to this day
I still wake in that nightmare
of so long ago
that nightmare that was real

how are you so sure I didn't deserve it?
that these in someways
still bleeding wounds
weren't deserved?

the threat of going back
was enough to keep me bent to a will
that was sick and twisted
I endured years of pain
years of believing
this is what real love is...

years of believing everything was my fault
is my fault
years of self-abuse
because I don't deserve better
and no one else seemed to treat me
the way I know I deserve.

that darkness
left me broken
left me feeling as if I had no control
and never would
that darkness
and the pain and power it represents
became an invisible shackle
so binding that I became a slave
to the monster in my mind
long after she had gone

but now that I see it
I have a choice
keep going

or free myself

this house.

I know it's almost completely different than it once was
but the pain of it all
the memories
are still so strong
I can still feel them as if they were happening right now
and yet things in my current life
feel so surreal
how do I let go of a past
that in many ways feels more real than the present
I'm trying so hard to hold on to the love of now
the people that care about me
the good things
that are numerous in my current life
but it's so hard
when bad is so ingrained
I want so much to overcome
all of this
it's not my fault for what happened in the past
but it will be my fault if I let it ruin
the whole of my future

I gotta find a way
to let go and move on

how am I going to move beyond all this past?

this all consuming past that still has its claws in me so tight.

the echoes of it all still torture me in the night

I need to move on if I ever hope to have a life beyond the abuse and pain. I need to move on if I ever hope to have a life worth living. I need to move on if I ever hope to be the person I want to be.

this is what's holding me back. this pain and my not letting it go

I don't think you know how aware I am of how little you tell me.
or how it eats at me
knowing how one sided our relationship is.
feeling like you don't really trust me
even though I've shared my darkest secrets with you.
I feel like I don't really know you
and you like it that way

I sit here at this computer
in this familiar chair
listening to the airconditioner
and the otherwise echoing silence
in this state of being alone
and I can't help wondering how I got to this place
where my heart feels both light
and too too heavy
I'm longing for the comfort and warmth
of another next to me
the safety and love that seem distant at the moment
all the memories of loves lost haunt me
on days like this one
I remember all the little things of each of you
that would make me unable to resist kissing you
I remember the times we laughed
until our ribs hurt and our minds were flooded
with oh so happy chemicals
but most of all I remember the quiet moments
of you next to me
simply existing with one another
the quiet moments when we let down our armor
and shared a vulnerability and intimacy
that most never knew of us
I think that's what I miss the most
I wonder if any of you still think about me from time to time
if I really mattered to you, the way you mattered to me
I must hold on to the reasons we're not together anymore
because there are reasons I should never even think about going back.

it's still hard on days like today

things are supposedly getting better. you've forgiven me. but I still just want to die. I don't know if I can forgive myself

I don't remember the last time I felt this not ok. maybe this birthday is the one I finally do it.