I feel like hell

I feel like hell today. been wanting to kill myself for over a month now. not just my usual suicidal thoughts, but actual planning. been struggling every day to not inflict severe damage to myself. mostly I haven't had much chance to do so, being surrounded by people much of the time, avoiding having the implements to do so. but today I am alone, with means and time and motive. and I keep preparing to do so....

and I can't. I think of you, and your words and touches, your kisses and cuddles, your struggles... the sound of your heart beating....

and I can't bring myself to do it.

I just can't.

but I'm left feeling too full and too hurting and my mind is racing out of control and my heart feels like it's going to beat right out of my chest and my skeleton is trying to claw it's way out. I feel trapped in this feeling...

and I don't know what to do with it.

normally I'd cut or burn... or somehow inflict physical pain to stop all these emotions from destroying me. because oddly enough.. the pain seems to bring some quiet.

but I just can't do it.

and I have no fucking idea what to do with .. all. of. this.

I hurt so badly, I want it to end. I want it to be over already.... but I can't do what I've always done.

you make me want to be better. to get off this hellish cycle I'm in. I used to think I was weak for not having already gone through with my suicide plans, for stopping the blade at pain instead of death...

but you make me want to be braver than that even

you make me want to be brave enough to actually make my life worth living. to face all of these fears... and all of this past. and maybe one day actually move on...

but in this moment I don't know what to do with these feelings... and so I'm crying and writing and just trying my hardest to do what I tell so many others to do....

just hang on

The Cult

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

and so the cult in my mind chants

led my a voice that is not my own

words born outside

that now echo, reside, infest my mental space

this I was tortured to believe

brainwashed since birth

and shattered into many

until I became we

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

imprisoned by the collective

are the few

the strong

the original

tied down with ropes of sorrow

blindfolded with self-hatred

beaten by us

and tortured by the infernal, false chanting

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

but still they stand

holding fast to the truth

still they stand

through the beatings

still they stand

trying to get the lost masses

to listen to their song

We're beautiful, intelligent and strong

idk

I really think I'm the worst thing for you some days, but I don't know what to do now that I'm here. both being here and leaving seem to hurt. What am I supposed to do?

In the Quiet

It’s in the quiet

That I hear my own voice
I realize now
I’ve been running from it
Afraid of what might come out
Choosing a dead life
Full of must do’s and should do’s
All the while keeping from myself
The want to do’s
 Cause to choose them
would be to choose the quiet
choose life
choose me
and that’s just too scary

frozen land

The snow falls heavily
Silently
Muting everything
Colors, sounds…
Life
Nothing moves
Nothing makes a sound
The white
The quiet
All consuming
Peacefulness
Broken by a squeal of joy
A flash of red
Going down the hill
Children playing
Life in no life
Joy and warmth
In the cold
How easy to be found
A little reminder
While I was lost
In a frozen land

Can't turn away

It scares me so much
To love you the way I do
To want to tear down all these masks
I’ve had all these years
And stand before you
Naked
To let you beyond all the barriers
All the stone walls
Into this room no one else has entered
To be entirely open
To be completely vulnerable to you
It kills me that I’m so afraid
That I hurt you the way I do
That every time I’m about to let you in
I freak out
As fear takes hold
And I push you away
Beyond the walls of my castles
The edge of the moat
And the surrounding hills
Sometimes I think I prefer pain
To love
‘cause it seems to hurt less
But I can’t seem to turn away
From you
And so this game we’ll
Until I get over
This past pain that makes me so afraid
Or you get too tried to try again

Together

There are hushed voices
Matters of business
Trying to get an estate in order
Before the chaos
That follows an inevitable demise
Work is hard
And seemingly never ending
But this is how the family
Grieves
How the family feels useful
When helpless
Together we can take care
Of what must be done
Together we will lose
Her the best we can