I feel like hell

I feel like hell today. been wanting to kill myself for over a month now. not just my usual suicidal thoughts, but actual planning. been struggling every day to not inflict severe damage to myself. mostly I haven't had much chance to do so, being surrounded by people much of the time, avoiding having the implements to do so. but today I am alone, with means and time and motive. and I keep preparing to do so....

and I can't. I think of you, and your words and touches, your kisses and cuddles, your struggles... the sound of your heart beating....

and I can't bring myself to do it.

I just can't.

but I'm left feeling too full and too hurting and my mind is racing out of control and my heart feels like it's going to beat right out of my chest and my skeleton is trying to claw it's way out. I feel trapped in this feeling...

and I don't know what to do with it.

normally I'd cut or burn... or somehow inflict physical pain to stop all these emotions from destroying me. because oddly enough.. the pain seems to bring some quiet.

but I just can't do it.

and I have no fucking idea what to do with .. all. of. this.

I hurt so badly, I want it to end. I want it to be over already.... but I can't do what I've always done.

you make me want to be better. to get off this hellish cycle I'm in. I used to think I was weak for not having already gone through with my suicide plans, for stopping the blade at pain instead of death...

but you make me want to be braver than that even

you make me want to be brave enough to actually make my life worth living. to face all of these fears... and all of this past. and maybe one day actually move on...

but in this moment I don't know what to do with these feelings... and so I'm crying and writing and just trying my hardest to do what I tell so many others to do....

just hang on