all over the map

I've been all over the map this last year. i still don't  know really where I stand with a lot of people, or even entirely myself. I'm frustrated.... and overwhelmed. and yet still feel like I'm not doing enough.

I'm a wreck with my love life. Feel stuck at the crossroads, unsure of which direction to choose. Feel like no matter which way I go, I'll lose something or someone very important to me. I have always been a fool where love is concerned and I still seem to be. I love deeply and passionately, but have a hard time expressing that. I have a hard time simply being me without stifling myself. and I also seem to not make good boundaries and sacrifice things I really shouldn't. in many ways I think I'm a more functional human being when I'm not in any relationship of a sexual nature, but I also crave it when I don't have it, which slowly gets to me. I kind of want to just shutdown that whole side of me, but I know I won't be as happy as I could be if I did.

I have so many fucking issues around sex. it really fucks with my head. I don't feel I deserve to get what I want. And if by some chance I actually ask and receive it, I freak out and feel guilty..... and dirty. I still do not believe I deserve anything I really want. Add to it all the shame I feel of my past....

I'm a mess

and I have no idea who to really talk about these things with. I feel like no one wants to hear about it. And those whom I've broached the subject with, while trying to maintain a safe space, still insert a level of judgement, even if only through body language, that only adds shame and self-hatred.

the silence on the subject is screaming in my head.

because

It's equally important to feel I can speak what I need to as being heard. I need to hold on to my voice and keep speaking my truth, even if it seems no one is listening. because at least then I'm staying true to myself. giving myself permission to exist and take up space and be whole. that's the point!

I guess

the point is I need to speak my truth even if no one is listening.

what's the point

it's not like anyone even reads this....

3AM strength

Hold me in your quiet arms
Cradle me in your darkness
Hide me from the eyes of the world
And their judgment of this pain
I weep uncontrollably
But silently
Praying for an ending
Beyond the capability of my hands
Can I bear this burden
Or am I too weak to handle
All of this
Can I in this deep of night
Lay down all that weighs on me
Can I in this night dare to need
To cry
To be held in the confidence
Of this late hour
Dare I show the weakness I hide
Or must I continue to fake
This strength
always

On the Edge

The dulled grayish white of the sand
In the barely there moonlight
Ending in utter blackness
 
Threatening nothingness
Roaring in the shadows
Screaming stay away
At the same time taunting one
to come a little nearer
 
To walk to the edge
And look over
To dare to stand at the very
end of existence
And look into the void
 
It’s here you and I meet
As the world sleeps
And hides
Here in the almost complete darkness
 
On the brink
 
Where the known ends
And the abyss begins
All too aware of how from the moment of birth
We are hurtling toward this cliff
This death
This ceasing to be
 
And here we play on the threshold
Half daring the other to jump
Half holding the other back
 
On the razors edge
 
You and I
Dance
You and I dare
to
 
be
 
Given only this moment
Of eternity
Too aware
It’s all about to be
lost

a month to live

I sit here and wonder how we found ourselves here
How did two intelligent, but wounded people
With incredibly elaborate defense mechanisms
 Convince each other
To let the other in
a little more than anyone before
As I hold you the world just feels right
I feel I can simply exist
peacefully
I never really thought that possible
And yet there’s this passion and energy
That courses through us
I feel alive and awake
There is perfection in the complex simplicity
Of these moments
We dare to smuggle away
But there’s a time limit here
A ticking clock
That’s becoming a little harder to ignore
Each day spent
Is a day lost from what could be
Maybe that’s it
Maybe this thing between us
Is what happens
When two dark, cynical romantics
Who live on tales of tragic star crossed lovers
Who hold onto the beauty in the darkness and pain
Who firmly fear settling for safety and the ordinary
Are given but a month to really live