all over the map

I've been all over the map this last year. i still don't  know really where I stand with a lot of people, or even entirely myself. I'm frustrated.... and overwhelmed. and yet still feel like I'm not doing enough.

I'm a wreck with my love life. Feel stuck at the crossroads, unsure of which direction to choose. Feel like no matter which way I go, I'll lose something or someone very important to me. I have always been a fool where love is concerned and I still seem to be. I love deeply and passionately, but have a hard time expressing that. I have a hard time simply being me without stifling myself. and I also seem to not make good boundaries and sacrifice things I really shouldn't. in many ways I think I'm a more functional human being when I'm not in any relationship of a sexual nature, but I also crave it when I don't have it, which slowly gets to me. I kind of want to just shutdown that whole side of me, but I know I won't be as happy as I could be if I did.

I have so many fucking issues around sex. it really fucks with my head. I don't feel I deserve to get what I want. And if by some chance I actually ask and receive it, I freak out and feel guilty..... and dirty. I still do not believe I deserve anything I really want. Add to it all the shame I feel of my past....

I'm a mess

and I have no idea who to really talk about these things with. I feel like no one wants to hear about it. And those whom I've broached the subject with, while trying to maintain a safe space, still insert a level of judgement, even if only through body language, that only adds shame and self-hatred.

the silence on the subject is screaming in my head.