My Humanity

Some days I curse

At the top of my lungs

My humanity

Its imperfection

Its vulnerability

Its futility

Some days I curse

My inability

To fix

Everything

My inability

To control

Anything

Some days I curse

My own two hands

How small

Feeble

Weak

They are

But in the end I realize

That in my weakness

Comes my greatest opportunity

For courage

Strength

Love

To love not despite flaws

But including them

To see another’s humanity

Is my greatest honor

And to love my own

Is my life’s purpose

On the Outside/ Looking in

On the Outside (Looking In)

just about everywhere I go
I feel like an outsider
like I don’t really belong
I pour my heart and soul
into places, organizations,
groups of people
I respect and love
so much that it literally
hurts
but still I always feel
like I’m on the outside
looking in
a part, but apart
you see often I feel so worthless
so repulsive and wrong
that I hide and don’t open up
been told for so long
that my place was below
oh so low
I shackled myself to the ground
feeling like that’s where I’m supposed to be
I feel as if I am only tolerated
never wanted
and because of it
I remain separated,
on the edge,
overlooked
hoping I’m not completely pushed away
oh if I could only show
the vibrant being
beneath the dull shell
if only I could share
the warmth and wit
the intelligence and strength
that I contain
if only I could step into the inner circle
and be the real me
but I’ve lost the key
and because of it
will remain shackled
on the outside
looking in

beautiful

It’s evident in the way I walk

The way I carry myself

The way I interact with people

I am uncomfortable

In my own skin

It is a mere shell

A disgusting attachment

To my soul

I rarely inhabit it

Rarely look at it

Rarely take care of it

I keep people away

Out of fear

Out of distaste for who I think I am

All the while unaware

That my beauty shines through

Despite my best efforts

All the while unaware

That I am beautiful

Dancing

My heart drowns out

The throbbing music

I can feel eyes staring

Wondering what the hell I’m thinking

For even stepping out

On the dance floor

What am I thinking

I’m just making a fool of myself

And just as I’m about to turn around

Friends grab my hands

And pull me further in

They begin to move

In rhythm with the beat

The strobe lights flash

Giving everyone a stuttered appearance

And as I watch

I slowly begin to nod my head

And move my hips

Mimicking those around me

And soon everyone else

Fades into the background

As the music thumps

Through my body

My heart

My soul

And I’m free

I am free

I really miss this feeling, this past summer was magic, I felt alive and free. I hope I can recapture it again. But right now I'm too self-conscious.... (secret, I really do love dancing, even though I'm not good at it)

I was once free

I was once free

Once able to breathe

Each breath with quiet joy

Grateful to be alive

The world was endless possibility

Life had ample opportunity

And I could do anything

And I not only believed this

But knew it on a core level

But slowly I was chained down

Link by link

Shackle by heavy shackle

I let myself be captured

Beaten

Abused

Tortured

Into believing this

Hell

Is all I deserve

All I’ll ever have

To the point where

It is I adding most of the chains

These days

Afraid to do anything else

Afraid to be free

again

if only

I curl into the nook of the couch

Wrapped tightly in a blanket

Trying so hard

To fight out the pain

The loneliness

Trying to give myself

That feeling of being held

Hoping that if I could give myself that

I wouldn’t need as much

As I do

If only I could make myself

Feel loved

Then I could have the courage

To wait

And truly love

And be loved

If only all this was

Working

If only a blanket could erase

The coldness in my heart

If only

If only

inside

Inside

Inside there is an intense

Screaming

Pounding

Scratching

Clawing

Screeching

Ripping

Shredding

Exploding

I can’t take much more

Of this squirming agony

I want to tear

Myself apart

With my bloody fingertips

Piece by piece

Bit by bit

Anything to stop

The raging

The rampaging

The pain

Oh so deafening

inside