beautiful

It’s evident in the way I walk

The way I carry myself

The way I interact with people

I am uncomfortable

In my own skin

It is a mere shell

A disgusting attachment

To my soul

I rarely inhabit it

Rarely look at it

Rarely take care of it

I keep people away

Out of fear

Out of distaste for who I think I am

All the while unaware

That my beauty shines through

Despite my best efforts

All the while unaware

That I am beautiful

Dancing

My heart drowns out

The throbbing music

I can feel eyes staring

Wondering what the hell I’m thinking

For even stepping out

On the dance floor

What am I thinking

I’m just making a fool of myself

And just as I’m about to turn around

Friends grab my hands

And pull me further in

They begin to move

In rhythm with the beat

The strobe lights flash

Giving everyone a stuttered appearance

And as I watch

I slowly begin to nod my head

And move my hips

Mimicking those around me

And soon everyone else

Fades into the background

As the music thumps

Through my body

My heart

My soul

And I’m free

I am free

I really miss this feeling, this past summer was magic, I felt alive and free. I hope I can recapture it again. But right now I'm too self-conscious.... (secret, I really do love dancing, even though I'm not good at it)

I was once free

I was once free

Once able to breathe

Each breath with quiet joy

Grateful to be alive

The world was endless possibility

Life had ample opportunity

And I could do anything

And I not only believed this

But knew it on a core level

But slowly I was chained down

Link by link

Shackle by heavy shackle

I let myself be captured

Beaten

Abused

Tortured

Into believing this

Hell

Is all I deserve

All I’ll ever have

To the point where

It is I adding most of the chains

These days

Afraid to do anything else

Afraid to be free

again

if only

I curl into the nook of the couch

Wrapped tightly in a blanket

Trying so hard

To fight out the pain

The loneliness

Trying to give myself

That feeling of being held

Hoping that if I could give myself that

I wouldn’t need as much

As I do

If only I could make myself

Feel loved

Then I could have the courage

To wait

And truly love

And be loved

If only all this was

Working

If only a blanket could erase

The coldness in my heart

If only

If only

inside

Inside

Inside there is an intense

Screaming

Pounding

Scratching

Clawing

Screeching

Ripping

Shredding

Exploding

I can’t take much more

Of this squirming agony

I want to tear

Myself apart

With my bloody fingertips

Piece by piece

Bit by bit

Anything to stop

The raging

The rampaging

The pain

Oh so deafening

inside

I watch as she gets ready

And can almost hear

Her racing heart

And too-full head

Trying

Futilely as she believes

To make herself attractive

Never realizing she already is

Worried she’ll never find

the one

worried that no one will notice her

will want her

completely unaware of her own awesomeness

unaware of how lucky someone would be

to have her

I wait as she readies herself

So ready to remind her

Of how amazing she really is

In hopes that one day

She not only believes me

But knows it for herself

(I think you’re freaking great!!)

life unlived

She has the brains

And the ability

But she worries

It’ll never be better than this

That she should settle for what she has

Rather than risk for what she wants

She believes she is hopeless

Undeserving

Unable

To have more in life

So she stays in ‘her place’

And slowly begins to die

In a life unlived