I don't think you know how aware I am of how little you tell me.
or how it eats at me
knowing how one sided our relationship is.
feeling like you don't really trust me
even though I've shared my darkest secrets with you.
I feel like I don't really know you
and you like it that way

I sit here at this computer
in this familiar chair
listening to the airconditioner
and the otherwise echoing silence
in this state of being alone
and I can't help wondering how I got to this place
where my heart feels both light
and too too heavy
I'm longing for the comfort and warmth
of another next to me
the safety and love that seem distant at the moment
all the memories of loves lost haunt me
on days like this one
I remember all the little things of each of you
that would make me unable to resist kissing you
I remember the times we laughed
until our ribs hurt and our minds were flooded
with oh so happy chemicals
but most of all I remember the quiet moments
of you next to me
simply existing with one another
the quiet moments when we let down our armor
and shared a vulnerability and intimacy
that most never knew of us
I think that's what I miss the most
I wonder if any of you still think about me from time to time
if I really mattered to you, the way you mattered to me
I must hold on to the reasons we're not together anymore
because there are reasons I should never even think about going back.

it's still hard on days like today

things are supposedly getting better. you've forgiven me. but I still just want to die. I don't know if I can forgive myself

I don't remember the last time I felt this not ok. maybe this birthday is the one I finally do it.

I feel like hell

I feel like hell today. been wanting to kill myself for over a month now. not just my usual suicidal thoughts, but actual planning. been struggling every day to not inflict severe damage to myself. mostly I haven't had much chance to do so, being surrounded by people much of the time, avoiding having the implements to do so. but today I am alone, with means and time and motive. and I keep preparing to do so....

and I can't. I think of you, and your words and touches, your kisses and cuddles, your struggles... the sound of your heart beating....

and I can't bring myself to do it.

I just can't.

but I'm left feeling too full and too hurting and my mind is racing out of control and my heart feels like it's going to beat right out of my chest and my skeleton is trying to claw it's way out. I feel trapped in this feeling...

and I don't know what to do with it.

normally I'd cut or burn... or somehow inflict physical pain to stop all these emotions from destroying me. because oddly enough.. the pain seems to bring some quiet.

but I just can't do it.

and I have no fucking idea what to do with .. all. of. this.

I hurt so badly, I want it to end. I want it to be over already.... but I can't do what I've always done.

you make me want to be better. to get off this hellish cycle I'm in. I used to think I was weak for not having already gone through with my suicide plans, for stopping the blade at pain instead of death...

but you make me want to be braver than that even

you make me want to be brave enough to actually make my life worth living. to face all of these fears... and all of this past. and maybe one day actually move on...

but in this moment I don't know what to do with these feelings... and so I'm crying and writing and just trying my hardest to do what I tell so many others to do....

just hang on

The Cult

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

and so the cult in my mind chants

led my a voice that is not my own

words born outside

that now echo, reside, infest my mental space

this I was tortured to believe

brainwashed since birth

and shattered into many

until I became we

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

imprisoned by the collective

are the few

the strong

the original

tied down with ropes of sorrow

blindfolded with self-hatred

beaten by us

and tortured by the infernal, false chanting

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

We are worthless, stupid, wrong

but still they stand

holding fast to the truth

still they stand

through the beatings

still they stand

trying to get the lost masses

to listen to their song

We're beautiful, intelligent and strong

idk

I really think I'm the worst thing for you some days, but I don't know what to do now that I'm here. both being here and leaving seem to hurt. What am I supposed to do?