Together

There are hushed voices
Matters of business
Trying to get an estate in order
Before the chaos
That follows an inevitable demise
Work is hard
And seemingly never ending
But this is how the family
Grieves
How the family feels useful
When helpless
Together we can take care
Of what must be done
Together we will lose
Her the best we can

Grey

The rain drips drearily down
Crying tears I won’t let fall
A solemn somber day
A mournful morning
Quiet by the graveside
As the pastor’s words echo
Through the barren trees
To the grey heavens above

fellowship

Quietly
Slowly
Each chair is placed
One by one
To form a make-shift circle
A powerful circle
For people gather here
From all over
And all walks of life
As equals united
By a common problem
A common solution
Together we seek
Support, hope and strength
Within our fellowship
Together
We trudge the road of happy destiny
And together we can learn
What it means
To make a life worth living

Hoping

I no longer hear
the sound of the water
As it rushes by
Day in and day out
I toil
Reeling in line after line
Mostly barren
Bait lost to the tide
Not even a nibble
A splash
A sight of a fish
All others have given up
But day after day
I let out the lines
And reel them in
Hoping that they’ll return
Some day

all over the map

I've been all over the map this last year. i still don't  know really where I stand with a lot of people, or even entirely myself. I'm frustrated.... and overwhelmed. and yet still feel like I'm not doing enough.

I'm a wreck with my love life. Feel stuck at the crossroads, unsure of which direction to choose. Feel like no matter which way I go, I'll lose something or someone very important to me. I have always been a fool where love is concerned and I still seem to be. I love deeply and passionately, but have a hard time expressing that. I have a hard time simply being me without stifling myself. and I also seem to not make good boundaries and sacrifice things I really shouldn't. in many ways I think I'm a more functional human being when I'm not in any relationship of a sexual nature, but I also crave it when I don't have it, which slowly gets to me. I kind of want to just shutdown that whole side of me, but I know I won't be as happy as I could be if I did.

I have so many fucking issues around sex. it really fucks with my head. I don't feel I deserve to get what I want. And if by some chance I actually ask and receive it, I freak out and feel guilty..... and dirty. I still do not believe I deserve anything I really want. Add to it all the shame I feel of my past....

I'm a mess

and I have no idea who to really talk about these things with. I feel like no one wants to hear about it. And those whom I've broached the subject with, while trying to maintain a safe space, still insert a level of judgement, even if only through body language, that only adds shame and self-hatred.

the silence on the subject is screaming in my head.

because

It's equally important to feel I can speak what I need to as being heard. I need to hold on to my voice and keep speaking my truth, even if it seems no one is listening. because at least then I'm staying true to myself. giving myself permission to exist and take up space and be whole. that's the point!

I guess

the point is I need to speak my truth even if no one is listening.