I feel broken
trapped
 by memories
of things
that should never have been.
How do I explain
my inability
to be free?
how do I explain
when I still have
trouble accepting
the reality
of what has been?
how do I explain
being shaken
and battered
at the age of 5
for an act of self-love?
how do I explain
vague memories
the lack of memories of 6 or 7
that first landed me
in therapy
that landed me in doctors' offices
going through
examinations that felt like rape
that to this day make me afraid
to trust?
how do I explain
being threatened with rape
if I spoke out
against harassment at 12
trapped by the belief
that I was too ugly to be believed?
The abuse I experienced at the hands
Of the first person I dared to love
How do I explain any of the dozens
of reasons that I freeze
when all I want
all I want
is to go further
with you